A thousand words is worth more than one picture

I realize that I am adding to the noise here. I realize that I am ranting. I certify that this is the absolute last subject on which I thought I would open the gateway to my blog. But after ruminating for the last few weeks, there is one statement – one theme – in the ____gate-du-jour madness, that I have not read or heard as of yet and it just… must… needs… saying…

Dear Fellas, we of the female persuasion really, really don’t care for wiener pictures.

Seriously. Like, ever.

Electronic or otherwise: Pictures of your package are not sexy. Pictures of the peen are not cute. Pictures of your junk do not entice.

In my very admittedly unscientific survey (Nate Silver please forgive) I have yet to find one woman – One! – who would disagree with this sentiment. If you do, and are being completely honest, please feel free to post and correct me. I’m absolutely fine with being wrong if for no other reason that it would mean that there is some basis for guys thinking that sending text messages of their most intimate to women they are trying to woo is somehow going to help the process. In my experience, it does not. Not only will it not work, it will almost assuredly have the opposite effect as intended.

I must note that I’m not talking about exchanging sexy pics with someone you are in a relationship with. Sharing pictures of the anatomy with which a special someone has spent significant time is not the topic here. I might find the idea that electronic MMS close-ups of the male region are appreciated by your lover somewhat dubious but I guess I should also note that I don’t mind manly-bits in person (Hi Mom thanks for reading!).

What I’m really talking about – objecting to – is the “hey baby look what you can have!” type pick-up attempts through picture-laden-texts.

This dude behavior amounts to unzipping your fly in a bar at a young lady – except far, far more permanent.

Do I/we really have to say, “is a big, big turn off, no matter your size, shape or bent”?! Apparently so. So I’m saying it.

I have had surprisingly numerous conversations about an explicit-message-received, both before and certainly since the most recently publicized twitpic. The usual banter on the topic is incredulity, laughter and comparison of notes. On multiple occasions, cell phones have been shared to regale with the whole, complete, vivid experience. Not once has it at all been implied that the recipient found a (ahem) “head-shot” captivating, attractive, sexy, romantic, or otherwise conducive to sender getting laid.

I’m guessing conversations about recent events from the ‘guy perspective’ is different than that of women. Maybe dudes are saying “Oh yeah, he is an idiot for tweeting that photo.” Yes, he was. But I’m also guessing guys agree is because the man of the hour got caught. Same goes for the man of the last hour, and a few months ago (flaccid no less! Seriously how is that sexy?!), and that Craig’s List guy, and last year, and the baby-daddy, oh yeah and him too… ad nauseum… But isn’t the photo that seems to prompt the guy derision that I have heard, it is the publicity. For the women of my experience, however, it is the picture itself.

Apparently appealing to a sense of propriety is passé, or at least not working, so instead I’m going to appeal to vanity…

So ever hopeful gents: you likely didn’t hear much from said conquest after you texted your spread (the ignore or non-response was the most common reporting of my feminine sample). But she almost certainly kept the evidence. And regardless of your “success” rate, regardless of your status and celebrity, the likelihood is that you will still become a punch-line for some circle. Women are not known to brag about the size of random conquests. You might, however, be lucky enough to warrant a nickname or story title like: The Ballad of Mr. Junk, Weeny-texter, or DogDude (forgive me friends for stealing some of our secrets). The 24-hour news cycle will be saved for those outstanding instances of celebrity-failure but rest assured there is still much entertainment to be had. And had at your expense.

Sending that type of text is not gentlemanly, so you can hardly expect the recipient to act the lady.

So guys, if you are still reading, the question you need to ask yourself is this: will the enjoyment she gets from the picture, over the long term, will be more or less than the enjoyment she gets from sharing her “hilarious” story and cell phone with her friends and acquaintances? If it is less, which in 95% of cases it will be, than mayhaps rethink pressing ‘send.’ Because, again this is my experience, only if she really cares and values the entirety of your relationship, will she remain discreet.

Or maybe you like having your overture-through-tool snickered at by the object of your affection. I’m guessing, however, that you wouldn’t like that result in reality and so maybe you should try a different tack if you want something different electronically. Try sending creative metaphors if you must speak of the symbol – either pictures or words. Try going old school and calling (gasp!) to tell her about what she’s inspired and you’re looking at. Hell, try dick-in-a-box, you’ll most probably at least get some points for the attempt.

Or, if you simply must use SMS, try to paint a vivid, sexy, flattering picture with words; preferably using ones that are spelled out fully and correctly. This is one case, I assure you, that a picture is worth significantly less than a thousand of them.


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