Unscheduled Maitenence

My personal “check engine” light has been glaring at me for the last weeks. I look at the date and think “Where did January go?!” I have been busy, yes, but certainly not so much that I could miss an entire month passing by.

Somehow I thought that life would find this magical place where the hourglass would even out and I would have time. Yet alas, no. Not yet.

Bug in SnowLooking at my posts for the last year and taking stock, it seems this is rather a continuous problem for me. Whirlwinds of adventure mean that time goes quickly. It is a reminder to appreciate moments but also that maybe I should finally take stock and figure out a bigger chunk of what I am doing. Hello Adult-Type World, I guess I am in you now.

In addition to figuring out my big-girl-pants next life steps, I’ve been in the process of trying to come to terms with this blog. See, at the end of December I broke my steak of blog posts. Once I missed one, I missed many. It is sad to say that a habit can so easily fall apart.

Instead of wallowing, however, I’m pushing myself to get the thing done and, imperfect as it will seem to me as soon as I hit publish, I will ship this today… or at least “today” Eastern Standard Time. Sounds like a rather inauspicious beginning but such has been the journey to this point and so at least that wild streak will continue.

The Tune Up

The conclusion that I have come to, my dear reader, is that Wednesdays don’t work for me. It isn’t anything that they did, you see, it is just me. I’ve changed. I’m not breaking up with them entirely though, I hope we are going to remain friends.

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Broken Chain

There are times when the pieces fit securely into place and all seems to flow in a great, expanding, steadfast and sturdy row. This, my friends and my dear self, is not one of those times.

I can hardly type 3 words without going back and editing. Misspellings abound. My writing seems jerky, careless and rushed. 

Mirrors in VeniceThere is a metaphor there.

I go out to get some needed fresh air and quite literally smack into life in all its awkward weirdness. The seconds tick and all I want is silence to coalesce the seeping, dripping globs into meaningful forms. Yet I am trapped into a silly cycle going nowhere fast. I feel the pull of my reaching mind against the dictates of expectations and niceties which supposedly grease the cosmic wheels.

Life seems scattered.

The links in my day all ajumble with knots and tangles collapsing in on themselves. Excited energy feels more like tension. The twisted snarls are taught and vibrating.

Collapse seems imminent. But there is no time for that indulgence.

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Traveling to Terezin

My knowledge of history is lacking in big places. Facts and dates, names of places even, sift through my sieve brain. When it came to World War II and the holocaust – the “final solution” – I was notably deficient in perspective.

With a few days back in Prague, I signed up for a tour of Terezin. The Nazi “gift of a town” it was a neighborhood turned ghetto-concentration-camp-holding-pen of disease, death and misery… and art.

Lasting Testaments [Read more…]

New Year’s Hangover

I want to be that blogger who posts this amazing piece on the 1st. I want to ring in the new dawn with tidings of accomplishment and set intentions for the new year.

I want to be caught up on my APADing, tweeting, blog, book-facing and instagraming. I want to be the one with an amazing retro-montage of the last year of travels, experiences and accomplishments.

NYE1I want my ‘thank you’s to have been appreciatively written, and my friends and family fully checked in on and feeling the love that I have for them. I want my laundry to be clean and aired, cupboards physical and metaphorical clean. I want to be the girl with her house in order.

I am not that girl.

I am waking to a glorious day in Dublin in a mental and emotional hangover. [Read more…]

Life Doesn’t Play Out As Scripted

I walked resignedly down the hallway away from the closed door.

I stopped in my tracks.

The unresolved was with me, another presence hanging in the empty space.

I stood for a moment listening to my heart beat and my breath coming in and out. Most of all, I listened to my thoughts as they circled upon each other. It was a cycle I know all too well. Some inner voice finally whispered, “basta.” Enough.

Door Detail“Wouldn’t you rather know?”

Yes… but… I’m afraid. I’m afraid of the “what if”s. I’m afraid to be the one to put myself out there. I’m afraid it will end badly.

“Yes. Yes. But wouldn’t you rather know?!”

I sighed deeply.

I drew deep on my courage and turned on my heel. I walked up to the door with a hand poised to knock.

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