I want to be that blogger who posts this amazing piece on the 1st. I want to ring in the new dawn with tidings of accomplishment and set intentions for the new year.
I want to be caught up on my APADing, tweeting, blog, book-facing and instagraming. I want to be the one with an amazing retro-montage of the last year of travels, experiences and accomplishments.
I want my ‘thank you’s to have been appreciatively written, and my friends and family fully checked in on and feeling the love that I have for them. I want my laundry to be clean and aired, cupboards physical and metaphorical clean. I want to be the girl with her house in order.
I am not that girl.
I am waking to a glorious day in Dublin in a mental and emotional hangover.
Not a physical one actually, despite the fact that I have intentionally enjoyed my time here with good company, food, multiple types of drink and craic. 2012 has been incredibly good to me and I accomplished a great deal in that time.
I am near the end of a 3 week adventure where my only desire has been to go and see and do and experience. I have. It has been wonderfully challenging and full.
I find myself more lost and soul-weary than when I started my tour.
I feel more behind than ever before. Spent. Perhaps it is unsurprising yet this unsettled churning tells me that despite the appearances of a charmed existence, part of me just needs to get back to “real life.”
My first instinct is to be blithe and make some catchy “first world problem” joke. I guess I just did. But what comes after?
Or even forget the after: What does that soul-spent-lost-and-weary feeling feel like? Do I allow myself the time to just beIN that too? Acknowledge that I don’t have my stuff figured. My next steps in lock. A plan. And not in the “yes the universe rises to my feet” type way but… what is my plan?!
I have had this sense that I am running — not towards my goals — but away from responsibility and answering the hard questions.
Even as I write this I should be writing my Guide, pulling together my pictures, writing posts for next week, working on my financial plan, figuring out travel for the next physical challenge, doing pushups, doing library work… 107 tasks to move me forward. Here I sit looking at them all. I am mired in my disquiet silence.
I want to be unerringly walking my tightrope of bliss.
I’m willing to work my way to the great rewards. But what are they? What is the work to be done?
The last three weeks have been expensive and I have well blown past my intended budget. Right, budget, add that one to the list of to-dos too. Despite a low cost . And this I know is the crux of it. 213 means August 2013 and the end of my Italian Adventure. And then what? What am I building towards? How am I to fund the next phases? What is my purpose?
The weighted clouds of those questions have been hovering around me for the last weeks and now they are thundering for an answer.
Well what has my mantra been for the last years? “It isn’t too late.” It isn’t too late to chase down our dreams.
If it is my dream to have the decks cleared, my house in order, and my plans for the next 6 months (if not 6 years) set then I best roll up my sleeves and get to work. I know I won’t get it all figured out today, but if I have the intention, the desire, the want, the why… I can do it.
Inspiration: My heart is full but needs intention and to figure out what is next.
Information: I will get serious about my research and plans, and start making actual physical lists.
Intentional Enjoyment: What will I do today to make me happy and well? A run. Then a Dublin brunch.
What are your intentions for the new year? Feeling behind? How are you dealing?
A Little added Inspiration: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wupToqz1e2g